These thoughts and many that you will read below are the raw feelings and thoughts of partners that have experienced infidelity. For anyone that has not experienced this cruel blow, it is one like no other.
Especially for a person that is not expecting to be in this predicament. There are relationships that from the onset, experience infidelity. However, for the ones that experience infidelity when it is totally unexpected and totally out of character from a partner they have been with for many years, it can be a far greater blow
The recurring theme I have been recently exposed to has been the fact that most people find themselves having been in a relationship for quite a while BEFORE deception enters the relationship. Personally, I was one that met someone in University, travelled separately, travelled together, had a substantial time together in the relationship and then got married and had kids. Essentially doing things my traditional Christian family had raised me to do.
So, I followed all the rules by the book and still got screwed over!
In fact: we were quite open, saying to each other if either of us though that “we” no longer worked, we would just say it. Clearly that wasn’t so easy, or maybe it was nicer to live 2 lives in parallel (the safety of one world and the adrenalin rush of the new world, for as long as it can keep going).
“How can he just leave, and switch off from a life “WE” both entered into?”- Sarah
The early days being the receiver of infidelity are excruciating, you move from “I hate what has been done to our family” to “I want them back”. I have even heard people recently saying “Maybe I can accept it, the life we have is great and just maybe I can turn my head until they are done doing what they are doing”. This is how fragile and volatile the emotional journey can get.
While we are trying to come to terms with the crushing truth, the cliché rug has been pulled from our lives. One person sometimes gets left with ALOT while the other ESCAPES to “find themselves” or maybe while one sets up another play family with YOUR kids can be unfair!
“To me the worst part was not the fact that you met someone and then left. To me the worst part was the “way” you left. It was as if “WE” (the kids and I) were never what you wanted.”
Here are some of the crushing things that get left behind in the aftermath of infidelity (viewed from the receiver and the deliverer of infidelity):
“How could you disregard our life?” (Receiver vs Deliverer):
Why is that one person usually has to initiate and navigate through heartbreak whilst keeping their sh#t together on the home front. This person (the receiver) may feel discarded, and may have to process thoughts such as “How did I not know?”
The “Deliverer”: This person, may opt to bow out of the life they had entered together on and just go MIA, perhaps to find themselves?
The deliverer, of the news now has a situation where they have time to go one dates and have minimal responsibility back at home. They are likely to feel relieved about it all being out in the OPEN and now just wants to “live”. To escape!
However, being out in the OPEN may actually be boring now, the adrenalin is now diffused and the Real-life impacts take its’ toll.
eX-tip: If you are one that delivered the blow, consider being human and supporting your ex so that they can process the news. Consider not just disappearing upon revealing or getting sloppy in your deception. Allow your ex the decency the time to express their pain, it’s the HUMAN thing to do.
Also note, that at one point in time that you ACTUALLY cared about the person you JUST deceived. Your ex deserves SOME decency, right?!
Yes, you could say that it can be misinterpreted and mislead your ex, however supporting them and at least showing the other person that you respect them enough to be there even for a little period of time may help. This may allow them to heal or process the news enough to be mentally able to support any kids! Provide practical help in the house, look after the kids to give your ex respite to process this news.
“How can the impacts on the kids not matter to you?”
Consider the IMPACTS! The kids enter into a state where they get to see one parent every second weekend vs seeing you each day. Let us break it down for the partner that lacks all comprehension about the little hearts that do not get to be tucked in by BOTH parents. The little ones need to try and figure out why they do not get to see mummy or daddy each night (or perhaps most nights). They do not need the added complexity of having to deal with mummy or daddy speaking badly about each other to them! They honestly have enough to deal with!
eX-tip: AVOID slagging each other to the kids at no matter what cost! The impacts are heartbreaking!
“Do you even consider the pressure of your decisions on our friends and family?”
This change to our status, leaves our friends in a position that requires them to navigate through the thought of having to support or perhaps choose sides. This is awkward and mostly immature. This could be avoided by first of all not getting it to a point where deception is dealt!
eX-tip: But if this is your chosen predicament then do not speak badly about your ex to your mutual friends. It will be awkward enough for them! Perhaps consider what posts are made to social media as some friends may upset your ex by asking them about what you have been posting that maybe disrespectful about your ex.
“You chose another person over your kids!?”
The deliverer maybe revelling in their new life and potentially oblivious to the impacts of the recent family changes/conflict on the kids. The deliverer may miss key aspects of their kids lives, and the receiver has to take on a heavier load for the MIA deliverer.
eX-tip: Your kids are only kids for so long. News FLASH! They will only “need” you for a few years before their friends become a key aspect to their core. Are you really willing to give that up for a homewrecker (yes, I am saying it how it is!) There are 3 sides to a story, his/hers/the truth. But no matter what, ONE person is a homewrecker, the other is just pure SELFISH!
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is general information only and is not provided as a substitute for legal/professional advice. If you have a legal/financial/ any other issue, you should contact a lawyer and/or professional before making a decision about your options or personal situation. TheSeparationExchange.com cannot provide legal/professional advice.
My name is Anju, after going through a “surprise” separation and divorce was a rebirth which awakened me!
After a period of sadness and struggle, revealed a person who was forced to sort her shi# out and find the strength needed to raise 2 young kids without a partner!
And so, a new journey began with new dreams: www.TheSeparationExchange.com
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