The EXCRUCIATING pain hearing it..
Take it from me, being the receiver or recipient of news that your partner is either cheating on you or that they have decided that the relationship is no longer what they wanted is a BIG pill to swallow. Whilst I can now list a few strategies or tips that “may” help, my own experience wasn’t even close to perfect. In reality though, can there really be any strategies to help us in this situation? I am not so sure, however here are some considerations for you to entertain.
I still find hard to describe. The period finding out and listening to him confirm was gut wrenching and felt almost like a parallel universe.
One would think that being a child of divorce the whole situation may not have been an unrealistic place to find myself however, that fact did not seem to make it any easier! However, I “thought” I had been quite selective, choosing a man who was raised with traditional values and one that had been gifted with amazing loving parents.
Here are a few learning’s I had from my devastation:
1. It maybe easier being the GIVER than being the RECEIVER!
Your ex may have had ALOT of time to process the news. The chances are that a decision to leave or separate, may have been considered for some time prior to your ex revealing it. So, when they deliver the news this may not be done with the most sensitivity because they may have had this in mind for a while. It seems unfair, however there is usually one person that is the receiver and one that is the giver. Being on the receiving end was excruciating, it makes me wonder if it is always easier being the giver (I cannot conclusively answer this as I have never played that role, but I can say that being the receiver felt so UNFAIR!).
Focus on setting up your support TRIBE, and giving yourself time to process the news. Each day attempt doing something to remove yourself from the “dark” place: eat ice cream, take a beach walk, talk to so friends/family and share the emotional load!
2. The degree of TOLERANCE may have an EXPIRY time!
Your ex may not be able to tolerate you coming to terms with the news for very long based on number 1!
Based on point 1, your ex has already started the letting go and in fact may only tell you AFTER he/she has come to peace that it is DONE. Unfortunately for the receiver, this ends up being to their demise, because your ex may not have the tolerance to deal with your emotions, or your continual attacks on them while you come to terms with the information and CATCH up!?
The giver of the information may be pre-occupied with logistics of transitioning out or in some cases getting a new significant other (?!). The experience for the receiver maybe much more of a contrast, where getting out of bed is a big ask or processing the fact that their world has now changed, officially. The receiver is pre-occupied with sadness or hurt while the giver may have already well and truly moved ON! If you are lucky, you may have a decent human being as an ex that supports you through the “processing” time at least for a period of time.
I must say that I was not one of the lucky ones! YES, being the receiver in my mind is the harder perspective to be in!
I think it is fair to say that, you have a right to have the conversations with your ex that make him understand EXACTLY how you are feeling.
3. The Separation Lure of Social Media – AVOID IT!
Venting on social media may win you a moment of releasing your hurt in exchange for many asking you questions you may not be ready to answer. So, you need to ask yourself if that drama is worth it!? Yes, we are ALL mostly guilty of venting on social media, but let me tell you that now with the awesome Facebook memories that keep presenting themselves daily, I re-read some of my posts. The posts during “that” time, and let me tell you I am embarrassed.
Yes, it helped at that point in time, but now I think of the poor people (family, friends and yes, some acquaintances) who had to read my “mambo jumbo” of cryptic attacks I must say that I do feel a little embarrassed. So, may I suggest setting up life friend to receive these “messages” or survival expressions to save you the potential future embarrassment. But then, you may think it is worth it, so my friends do what makes you HAPPY! Or feel sanity during such an emotionally traumatic period.
TIP: Call a friend or family rather than put it out there. At least attempt not to share on social media ALL the time you have a need to vent (this is especially prudent if you have a case in court that is on going).
4. Focus on POSITIVE vibes ONLY!
Focussing on you will help your vibe. You will most likely wear yourself thin trying to cope with all you did previously with two people just by yourself. Please focus on YOU time. For me, this was BOXING! I cannot tell you how much it saved me! I recruited a friend to do lunch time classes and also weekend classes. It was AMAZING! Boxing helped me lose weight AND exert my frustrations of the moment. Try it!? For more tips on enhancing your positive vibe during separation join our TRIBE!
I found that my life and emotions were so consuming in so many ways. After having an outlet to release all of the “GUNK” helped me be clearer, helped me be a better mum, a better me! So, my point? Find an activity that helps your VIBE! It works!
5. Understand that SOME things are beyond your control..
Understanding that you cannot change how someone “feels”. The early days after finding out the life changing news, I thought about trying to convince my Ex that he was MAD, that he had no idea what he was letting go of. This took about 6 months, then one day after many, many tears I realised that you CANNOT change the way someone “feels”. The way they “feel” may have been a few years in the making or perhaps it was a “feeling” disguised by lust. Who knows! I do know that the epiphany was real, that one day the day of my epiphany. It helped turn my whole approach (good or bad is subjective but I turned).
I decided that I needed to move forward knowing that his “feelings” were beyond my control, and that his (my ex’s) actions were beyond my control. So, I took a leap of faith and decided to move forward without him and haven’t looked back!
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is general information only and is not provided as a substitute for legal/professional advice. If you have a legal/financial/ any other issue, you should contact a lawyer and/or professional before making a decision about your options or personal situation. TheSeparationExchange.com cannot provide legal/professional advice.
ABOUT the Blogger:
My name is Anju, after going through a “surprise” separation and divorce was a rebirth which awakened me!
After a period of sadness and struggle, revealed a person who was forced to sort her shi# out and find the strength needed to raise 2 young kids without a partner! And so, a new journey began with new dreams: www.TheSeparationExchange.com
Christmas Discussions: Christmas or any holidays post separation can be excruciating, especially when it is FRESH! Some have it lucky and may breeze through it however most may agree with me, that it is EMOTIONAL. The first Christmas Post-Separation was excruciating!...
JUST Separated?What now? What options do you have to formalise your separation so that you can officially move forward? You need to choose the right option for you and at the right time. For me, once my ex made his intentions clear (he wanted to explore a future with...