How do you play nice and be mature with someone who refuses to play nice?
Why does one person always resort to regressing to their teen years and act almost like a child? Perhaps only a few of us unlucky ones’ experience this. This was my experience.
The ability to play nice maybe dependent on the reason you are here, the reason you have separated. Playing nice with someone you have shared many good times (hopefully) and probably bad times too (based on the fact you are now separated) can be tricky to navigate through. How do you make decisions about bills and co-parenting during the emotionally volatile period just after separating when tensions are HIGH and playing nice can be excruciating?
Let’s be honest, for those who have been through it…they will tell you that it is a TOUGH place where no level of maturity can prepare you for. You are essentially attempting to resolve issues with someone that knows how to push your buttons!
Here are a few seasoned tips from people who have travelled this road that you may find useful with practical actions that can be taken.
How do we make the journey more bearable?:
Life during separation may be slightly more bearable if everyone remembered even just a few of these key things, so here are some suggested ways to play nice:
This is VITAL!
The person you were once with and once knew maybe lost in this transition to their new world.
“THAT” person maybe so different to the one you once knew, that looking at them now and wondering how you were ever together seems like a “common” scenario! Understanding this will mean that you may need to reset your expectations of your Ex. This will make things healthier for your own vibe! Many find themselves chasing their tail trying to figure out they “why” someone can act the way they do, so perhaps instead reset your expectations to ensure that you are not disappointed or enraged by their actions or lack of!
2. Setup Boundaries :
How do you diffuse a situation that is highly volatile?
Try setting up BOUNDARIES. For example, understand that you do not need to always reply to antagonising messages from your ex as soon as you receive them. Give yourself time to absorb, calm down, compose THEN reply. Attempt putting boundaries about late night “Crazy rants” that we may go into which will just perpetuate a negative reaction. Perhaps sending these rants to a close friend rather than directing them to your Ex!
3. Learn to accepts that you cannot change your Ex’s action:
I spent many years trying to reason with my Ex who was very influenced by our third wheel. A lot of the time I wasted my emotional reserves trying to understand how he could do the things he was doing, how he could treat someone he spent a lifetime with so cruelly. My point? Remember that you can only control your own actions. Therefore, focusing on what or how you react to also benefits your own vibe. Reprogramming your heart and soul to understand that your ex will do what they do, AND be influences by whomever they way, will help YOU move forward.
There were many examples where my ex did things that disregarded the feelings of me/our kids, however I had to come to a place where I understood that his actions were beyond my control and working on how I reacted to his insensitivity was in my control and with time I got better and better at managing each situation as anyone will with practise.
Wouldn’t it be great if your Ex remembered that at ONE point in time they loved you, that you may have even shared children together, just imagine? Imagine if they considered the feelings of someone, they had shared many years with in and be kind in their respect for you rather than investing all their respect into someone they may have met 5 minutes ago! (ok, yes this maybe a dream!)
4. Setup venting outlets for conflict:
During this volatile time, I found setting up my support network to vent/talk through a situation really helped me! It also prevented me from “reacting” in ways that would make a situation worse!
Yes, I am sure that there may have been quite a few times where you sent a text or made a phone call back to your Ex after a explosive conversation, the type of conversation that probably escalated a situation even more?!
Does this resonate?
A mechanism to counteract an already volatile situation is to call a friend or family and vent BEFORE reacting or should I say RETALIATING.
TRUST me, this simple action took time to perfect however it definitely diffused many situations which could have been even more EXPLOSIVE! Another option is to make NEW friends with people going through Separation/Divorce through resources like The Separation Exchange.
5. Be CLASSY as HARD as it is:
I have seen many versions of how classy is NOT. Ex’s sometimes stoop to the lowest version of their self when enduring the pressures of separation. We are all allowed these moments SOMETIMES, but they should not be repeated over and over. It does not set a great standard for children (if you shared any). Being the bigger person is excruciating at times, but let’s just say that good always prospers (right?!)
**Image source: www.themindjournal.com
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is general information only and is not provided as a substitute for legal/professional advice. If you have a legal/financial/ any other issue, you should contact a lawyer and/or professional before making a decision about your options or personal situation. TheSeparationExchange.com cannot provide legal/professional advice.
ABOUT the Blogger:
My name is Anju, after going through a “surprise” separation and divorce was a rebirth which awakened me!
After a period of sadness and struggle, revealed a person who was forced to sort her shi# out and find the strength needed to raise 2 young kids without a partner!
And so, a new journey began with new dreams: www.TheSeparationExchange.com
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